Written by Haley Jakobson

1. remember that woman and brainwash are steeped in the same pot
2. don't drink the tea
3. take a hammer to your mirrors, shatter expectation, but pocket self-reflection
4. remember that when you're double tapping comparison and facetuning perception, your organs are writing love notes to your heart and your brain is making copies
5. you are of this earth and so are vegetables, insert cliche about rocket science here
6. sex is good and so is late night pizza, if both make you moan you're onto something
7. the only time your ass should be measured is when your lover tries to grab the whole thing at once
8. exercise gives you endorphins. happy people don't shoot their husbands. 
8a. exercise is what you owe the world inside your body for keeping you alive, exercise takes makes the stick unstuck, exercise brings your brain peace, exercise makes you sweat and salt heals everything, exercise is a fancy word for the thing your body was made to do, exercise is not a trend, exercise is not an under the table deal with a future self that is more worthy than you in this moment, exercise is not for him or for her or for them, your mother, that magazine, the casting director or fucking bikini season
9. but if exercise makes the booty look good I pray to god you're sending nudes
10. the mantras we say to our bodies take lifetimes to erase, choose ones you're willing to write in pen
11. what is on the inside shows up on the outside
12. the doorway to get in only has one key
13. you are the only possessor
14. honesty is admitting that sometimes we can't stand our own skin
15. love is honesty's advil
16. stop making your tummy rolls into a doctor's note denying your right to exist
17. everybody likes rolls, and you have a shitty doctor
18. brew a new pot of tea